Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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