I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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