I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
