Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
