Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
