im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
