Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
