Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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