can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
