I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
