There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
