I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
