Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
