Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
