a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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