my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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