That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
