Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
