So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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