A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
