I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
