All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize