I can text with my tongue
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
