Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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