I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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