I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The air was thick with penises
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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