Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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