I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
