My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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