im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
