Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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