when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
