the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
