Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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