Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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