You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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