no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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