I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
