God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
