I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
