I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
