**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry about my life...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
