His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
