I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
