last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
