i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
