im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
