Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Ladies don't puke and tell
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
