Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
