He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
