I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize