I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think my moral compass just broke
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
