I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
