My room smells like vodka and shame
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize