I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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