can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
