My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
smell my finger.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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