He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
