Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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